It has been 5 days since Ryan left for Thailand. The boys and I did 3 1/2 days at home and then headed over to Grandpa and Grandma's. I didn't sleep well at home. It's not that I am scared; I just am on heightened alert mode. I am bad even when Ryan is home, wondering "what was that thump?" So when it's just me, I hear every click and shift in the house. Wouldn't you know it, the one night where I finally fell asleep there was a huge crash. I shot out of bed and across the room so fast, it took me another hour to get back to sleep. Again, I wasn't afraid someone was in the house; I was confident something fell somewhere randomly. My adrenalin was just pumping from it waking me up. Sure enough, a bag of cd-roms fell in one of the closets (funny that it had to fall at that time of the night). That being said, I am glad to be sleeping somewhere else. Now I am not sleeping because my mother-in-law and I are gabbing into the night.
We took the boys to a park today. Now that Ryan's mom is with me, I don't know how I did it without anyone. I so appreciate having her with us. The boys love their grandma...but what boy doesn't?
|Munch collecting pine cones for his preschool|
I have been convicted several times throughout these last four years about my selfishness and outlook on children. You will think I am being too hard on myself, and maybe I am. I think I would rather err on the side of caution with this topic though. I am susceptible to annoyance by my kids when I am wrapped up in my own thoughts or activities. Somedays go by where I cannot remember having a meaningful moment with any of my boys. I especially struggle with this when their are other people around. If there is a a lot of company I can quickly brush my kids aside without thinking. I am not talking creating self-centered little beings by giving them constant attention. I am just talking about paying them some respect while they ask for help with something or want to even be close to me. I find I get very overwhelmed by all that is going on in social situations with kids and I take my stress out on the kids.
Today I am working on being present with the boys. When they speak to me I want to look them in the eye and not be peeking over my iPad with minimal attention. I want to practice patience and grace when they unknowingly slow down the progress of an unimportant task. I want to touch them more, in a way that reassures them that I am really with them.
Both Munch and Bubblegum are having a hard time settling down at bedtime this week. I have taken the time to lay with each of them until they are asleep. It may be a bad habit that I am creating but right now I feel it's important for them while their Dad is away. I can't believe how challenging it is to me though. It feels like such a sacrifice. I really have to fight getting mad at them when they won't just close their eyes. It has taken a couple of nights for me to just rest and enjoy watching them, take the time to honestly talk to Jesus about them and just revel in the very sound of their breathing. It has been good for me. I can see it brings them such comfort.
These two posts came to me this week and really reinforced the conviction I was feeling. I am sure that this will be a challenge for me all throughout our years together. I am glad that I am seeing it so early though. I already look back on when I had just Munch and I wonder why I didn't just get down and play with him more, like get down their joyfully without being frustrated that their were other things to do. I thought life was so busy then...that was before 2 other kids, Pinterest and a bigger house! I want my kids to know I want them around and that I enjoy them...not just tolerate them. I want to get rid of the sigh I make when someone asks me for my assistance. I want them to one day treat me with the same respect that they experienced from me. That is my prayer this week.
This post I found on John Piper's "Desiring God" blog. There are some other really great posts on there.
I am so enjoying this well spoken mother of 7 write about her journey to joy. She has such a way with words and the heart. I am encouraged weekly by her posts.
Have a great weekend. Please let me know how I can pray for you. I would love to talk to God about you.